Lost in Doubt: How Abusers Damage Your Self-Trust
It's common to lose a sense of trust in others when trust has been broken through betrayal, abuse, or criticism. However, what is often overlooked is how these experiences can also break down our trust in ourselves. In my own journey, I didn't fully recognize my lack of self-trust until I started noticing the small signs. I was indecisive about simple things, such as what I ate, how I dressed, and what I posted online. I found myself easily influenced by others' perceptions of who they believed me to be. This constant self-doubt made it challenging to feel at ease with my decisions.
This lack of self-trust can arise from various experiences, particularly in the context of abusive relationships. Here are some specific ways abuse can break down your ability to trust yourself:
Gaslighting
(Yes, this word is such a familiar word via social media but let’s be clear on what this is). Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where the abuser makes you doubt your own perceptions, memories, or sanity. Over time, you might experience that "am I crazy?" feeling or think, "maybe I am cheating/lying/doing something sketchy." When someone repeatedly tells you that your reality is false, it causes you to feel invalidated, making it difficult to trust your own mind.
Constant Criticism
Criticism, when healthy, can be helpful and foster growth. However, in abusive relationships, criticism becomes daggers to your self-esteem and self-worth. Abusive criticism is confusing and harmful: "Why are you wearing so much makeup?", "Your taste in music/movies/books is awful. I don't know how you can like such garbage," and "You're not smart enough to understand this. Just let me handle it." After a long period of experiencing these subtle or overt statements, you start to believe them. You begin to question your decision-making capabilities and your own value.
“Over time, you might start doubting your own intentions and loyalty, even when you've done nothing wrong”.
Questioning Your Loyalty
In abusive relationships, abusers frequently imply that you are being disloyal or ‘sketchy’. This tactic creates feelings of guilt and confusion, making you question your own trustworthiness. Over time, you might start doubting your own intentions and loyalty, even when you've done nothing wrong. Some statements you might hear include: "Why does your friend always want to hang out with you? She's probably in love with you," "Why didn't you answer my call right away? Who were you talking to?" and "If you really cared about our relationship, you wouldn't need to hang out with other people so much."
Emotional Manipulation
Emotional manipulators are skilled at making you feel responsible for their emotions and actions, so that they can maintain avoidance of accountability. They make you feel guilty or ashamed for communicating your own needs and boundaries, further breaking your trust in yourself even. Some common manipulative statements include: "Everyone is always against me. You’re just like the rest," "If you leave me, I’ll hurt myself," and "I’m not talking to you until you apologize."
By understanding how gaslighting, constant criticism, questioning of loyalty, and emotional manipulation work, you can begin to address the damage they have caused and take steps towards a more self-assured and empowered self. Whether you're currently in an abusive relationship or you're dealing with the aftermath. If you're still in the relationship, recognizing these tactics can be the first step towards finding a way out. If you've already left, you might be grappling with the fallout, struggling with a lack of self-trust. Wherever you are on your journey, it's important to first acknowledge what's happening.
In my next blog, we'll explore strategies to help you regain confidence in your own judgment and rebuild your trust in yourself.
