Beyond Comparison: Why Your Trauma Is Valid, No Matter What
"Your other clients probably have bigger issues, and I'm here talking about X.", "I feel like my trauma isn’t big enough.", "Other people have it worse”, "It’s really not that big of a deal compared to what other people are dealing with”.
Comparison isn't just about stealing joy; it steals validation too. It's like a never-ending game where we measure our pain against others'. But here's the thing: comparing our experiences isn't just about invalidating ourselves; it's also about downplaying how much we're really hurting. We might think if we brush it off and pretend it's not a big deal, we'll magically feel better. Cue the buzzer in our imaginary game show, but that's wrong. The first step to healing is acknowledging and validating what you've been through (Harvey, Watkins, Mansell, & Shafran, 2004). All this running around, trying to invalidate, minimize, or suppress our pain, only holds us back from starting our healing journey.
“Comparing our experiences isn't just about invalidating ourselves; it's also about downplaying how much we're really hurting”.
So, let's talk about trauma. What is it, and how do we know if we've experienced it? Trauma is basically any really scary or upsetting experience that overwhelms us, leaving us feeling powerless and terrified (American Psychiatric Association, 2013, p. 271). It could be a one-time thing, like a car accident, or something that happens over and over again, like being mistreated or discriminated against.
Now, what happens after trauma? Here are a few things to consider:
How You See It Matters: Trauma hits everyone differently because we all see and feel things in our own way. What's terrifying for one person might not faze another.
Messing with Your Life: Trauma doesn't just mess with your head; it messes with everything. It can send your emotions into a tailspin, make you think differently, mess with your relationships, and even change how you feel about yourself.
Big Reactions: Trauma often makes our bodies and minds go into overdrive. You might feel scared all the time, struggle to calm down, keep reliving scary memories, or even have physical reactions like a racing heart or sweating.
Sticking Around: The effects of trauma can linger for a long time, even after the scary stuff is over. You might feel anxious, sad, or turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms like drugs or alcohol. Sometimes, it can lead to serious mental health issues like PTSD or depression.
So, how do we know if our trauma is "big enough"? Well, here's the thing: trauma isn't a competition. There's no scoreboard, no gold medal for suffering the most. It's about how your experience impacts you. If it's causing you distress, it's valid. Some signs you might have experienced trauma include:
Flashbacks or intrusive memories of the traumatic event.
Avoiding anything that reminds you of the trauma.
Feeling guilty, ashamed, or blaming yourself.
Being jumpy, angry, or having trouble concentrating.
Withdrawing from others or feeling depressed.
Your trauma is valid, no matter how it compares to others'. Comparing your pain to someone else's doesn't make it any less real. Healing starts with validating your own experiences. So, be kind to yourself, give yourself permission to feel, and reach out for support when you need it. Your healing journey matters, and you deserve to give yourself the compassion and validation you need to move forward.
Pearl Velasquez, LPC
Reference:
1. American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing.
2. Harvey, A. G., Watkins, E., Mansell, W., & Shafran, R. (2004). Cognitive behavioural processes across psychological disorders: A transdiagnostic approach to research and treatment. Oxford University Press.
