Breaking the Cycle of Silence: The Dangers of Ignoring Sexual Abuse in Families
A few years ago, during the pandemic, I was searching for my first post-graduate job. I came across an opening for a Sexual Assault Counselor. I had experience working with domestic violence and child neglect, but I had never worked specifically in sexual assault.
I would be lying if I said I was thrilled about the position. In reality, I was intimidated, nervous, yet deeply intrigued by what I would learn and how I could help survivors.
What I Learned (The Reality of Sexual Abuse in Families)
One of the most shocking truths I quickly uncovered was how often sexual abuse is committed by someone the survivor knows, not a stranger or El-Cucuí (a figure in Mexican folklore used to scare children). Its worst, a family friend, a tío, a tía, a grandparent, or even a parent. Studies have shown that no more than 10-30% of sex offenders were strangers, meaning that up to 90% of children sexually abuse had some type of relationship with their abuser. 90%. That is a chilling number.
It’s a devastating reality to accept that someone’s own parent or loved one could be capable of such horror. And yet, this was the truth I saw time and time again. Not only trusted friends and family harming children but also listening to survivors who carried their pain into adulthood, struggling not just with the trauma of abuse but also with the betrayal of not being believed by other (who should have been trusted) adults. This type of silence in families creates layers of trauma, reinforcing the pain of an already traumatizing experience.
Why Do Families Stay Silent?
How could loved ones turn their backs on abuse and remain silent? There are many reasons, none of them justifiable of course. But lets go over three common reasons families stay silent and the patterns I observed.
“The ‘happy’ family image is ruined and some people would rather ignore the abuse than accept the reality that something dark is happening in their own circle. “
Denial and Avoidance
Some family members refuse to believe or acknowledge the abuse because it challenges their perception of the abuser or disrupts the family dynamic. The ‘happy’ family image is ruined and some people would rather ignore the abuse than accept the reality that something dark is happening in their own circle. Some common excuses I often heard:
“The child is lying for attention.”
“They’ve been acting out, it makes sense they would lie to get someone in trouble.”
“[abuser] would never do that; they’re not capable of it.”
The reality is, Children rarely lie about something as serious as sexual abuse; if they are "acting out," it is often their way of communicating distress they cannot yet understand or verbalize. Abusers are known to be highly manipulative individuals skilled at hiding their actions. By denying reality of the abuse this benefits the abuser. It allows them to continue harming others while silencing the survivor.
Learned Silence
In families with intergenerational trauma, there is often a history of abuse and learned silence. Which becomes a survival mechanism passed down to next generations. Silence becomes second nature, it becomes a way to “keep the peace.” But we have to ask; who’s peace is it really keeping. Here are some common cultural beliefs that reinforce silence:
“You don’t challenge the head of the household.”
“Family business stays in the family.”
“What will people think?”
“If we don’t acknowledge it, it didn’t happen.”
There is so much harm that is caused when we normalize silence, we teach victims that their abuser will be protected over them. Survivors develop cognitive dissonance, which is the uncomfortable feeling you get when your actions don’t match your beliefs or values. What this can look like in the family dynamic of silence is feeling forced to maintain relationships with your abuser while the family collectively pretends nothing happened. This protects abusers and creates opportunities for further harm of other family members or people.
“There is so much harm that is caused when we normalize silence, we teach victims that their abuser will be protected over them.”
Religious Forgiveness
Some belief systems within the family pressure victims to “forgive” their abuser and not seek justice. The “forgive and forget” mentality can be detrimental to survivors. Survivors may be told:
“God wants you to forgive, no matter what.”
“Holding onto anger is sinful.”
“Let it go; justice belongs to God.”
Reality:
You do not have to forgive your abuser in order to heal.
Forgiveness and healing are personal choices, not obligations. ( huge emphasis on this one)
Religious institutions, families, and communities should be safe spaces, not enablers of silence and harm.
When faith is weaponized against survivors, it prioritizes the abuser's protection over the survivor's safety.
Look, I love God and baby Jesus. But when we weaponize religion and misinterpret ideas and concepts to protect abusers we are teaching survivors that even religion isn’t safe or protective. Is that the kind of messaging we want to give with religions that should be safe and sacred especially to the victim in times of pain and suffering?
So, What Can We Do?
Now that we recognize why silence exists, let’s talk about how we can break the cycle and protect future generations.
Encourage Honest and Open conversations In Your Family.
Lead by example; encourage honest conversations on tough topics.
Teach children about boundaries and consent in clear and straightforward ways.
Identify secrecy patterns in families and distinguish between privacy and harmful silence.
Challenge harmful cultural beliefs that discourage speaking up.
Support Survivors by Believing and Validating Their Experiences
Believing someone can create a safe foundation to healing. Survivors often carry a lot of shame, self-blame, and doubt, and what they need most is support, not questioning. You don’t have to know every detail to believe them, your role isn’t to investigate, but to listen with compassion.
Simple words like “I believe you,” “It wasn’t your fault,” and “You are not alone” can bring so much comfort. On the other hand, saying things like “Are you sure?” “It wasn’t that bad,” or “Just move on” can cause even more hurt. Your belief and kindness can be a powerful part of someone’s healing.
Provide Meaningful Support to Survivors
Being a safe person for them to turn to can make all the difference. Respect their choices. I often see family members become panicked and rush into solution focus mode. It’s scary to hear someone you love is being hurt. But take it slow and be the listener. Healing looks different for everyone, and not every survivor is ready to share their story or take legal action, and that’s okay. Instead of telling them what to do, gently provide resources and options, but let them decide what feels right. Giving them the space to regain control over their own decisions is one of the most powerful ways to support their healing.
Hold Abusers Accountable (Even If They’re Family)
Breaking cycles starts with accountability. In order to keep our families and communities safe we have to speak up when somehting isnt right. Trust me, this can be intimidating, to go against the grain is like going against everything you’ve ever known. But that is not always a terrible thing and its normal to feel a little timid in the process. Start by setting boundaries to protect both children and adults. Continue to speak up about the dangers of silence. If legal action is needed, report to CPS, law enforcement, or advocacy groups can provide protection and support. Knowing the resources available and taking steps to create a safe environment can make all the difference in helping survivors heal and preventing future harm.
Silence Protects Abusers, Speaking Up Protects Survivors
Believe Survivors. Hold abusers accountable.
It is not easy to break the cycle of silence, but it is necessary. Speaking up against abuse can feel terrifying, especially when it involves family members or cultural/religious pressures, but the impact of silence is far worse.
When we choose to believe survivors, support healing, and hold abusers accountable, we take a powerful step toward generational change. If you or someone you know is affected by family silence around abuse, know this: You are not alone, and your voice matters.
Listed below are some helpful resources to empower you on your journey of breaking the cycle of silence:
Hotlines and Immediate Support
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)
Website: www.rainn.org
24/7 Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)
Live chat available online
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Website: www.thehotline.org
24/7 Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (TTY: 1-800-787-3224)
Text Support: Text “START” to 88788
Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline
Website: www.childhelp.org
24/7 Hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)
StrongHearts Native Helpline
Website: www.strongheartshelpline.org
24/7 Hotline: 1-844-762-8483
LGBT National Help Center
Website: www.glbthotline.org
Hotline: 1-888-843-4564
